Full Contact Parenting

I have said it before…parenting is not for the faint of heart…if you don’t have the courage to see it through to the end, then for crying out loud, just say NO !

If I knew how to post a photograph to this site, I would show you a child’s face as beautiful and full of love and mischief as any you might ever see…then I would show you that same child at 14, still beautiful but less open and loving as before…someone who is more distant and sullen. Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde.

One day she wakes up all peaches and cream, the next she comes downstairs full of piss and vinegar. Or worse she starts the day on an up-note and before she leaves for school she has managed to incite anger and hostility to nearly everyone around her.

Up and down, back and forth…thus is the life I live with my highly organized, fiercely independent, and very intelligent 14 year old middle daughter. It is a roller coaster ride and I am not the only one who feels this way.

My heart aches for what she must be facing in her own private world that would push her to such extremes, but she is carefully guarded and wants to handle it all on her own. Lucky for her, or not - depending on your stance - she has me for a mother and I refuse to accept the standard “I don’t know!” response, which is so popular with children when parents ask them what is wrong, why they are unhappy, what made them so angry or why they antagonized their sibling.

I don’t need to know every little personal detail of my children’s lives, but I cannot allow them to withdraw into their own abyss when it is all too easy for them to slip away…too many teenagers out there are determined to face all their challenges without the help and guidance of their parents…most of whom have been there, done that, and could write the best seller! And these wise and weathered parents are either too busy with their own lives to notice or are too afraid to reach out and lead the way…they feel their own parents were too controlling and restrictive and they just want to be their child’s friend. Children need guidance and leadership from their parents; also a lot of unconditional love and support. And the occasional prodding, but friendship they should get from kids their own age.

I have a hard time understanding the need a lot of parents have to be their child’s friend. It seems rather odd to me. I always remember my mother’s calm and pointed response to my tirade against her when I was 12ish…I was complaining about how she was uncool and nothing like my best friend’s mom who was more like her friend than her mother. Never missing a beat, my mother replied, “I did not have children in order to have friends. I have plenty of those my own age. I had children in order to have a family.” She knew what her purpose was as a mother…to love us as best she could, support us in our dreams, and guide us on our way to adulthood.

So I roll up my sleeves and I dig in for the long haul. I keep loving my middle girl, and keep trying to find the right way to help her to understand why her attitude is hurting everyone, including herself…and I keep asking the tough questions.

Sure enough, recently after sticking with it, I learned a difficult secret she struggles with and tries to hide. It is not life threatening, but it is heart-wrenching. Learning how to deal with disappointment within your personal family relationships can be a burden too great for some to carry…divorce brings only sadness to children. They lose the only stability they have ever known and when a parent moves out, they lose whatever daily contact they had previously counted on…even if it wasn’t much, it was there. Then it is gone. And after six years it can still feel like yesterday.

So you add that to starting high school and all that “that” means and you have a recipe for one unpredictable 14 year old. Perhaps you can imagine why I cannot accept “I don’t know” as an answer…it is too easy for them to hide behind and too easy for us to ignore.