My three daughters have taught me a lot about parenting in the past 16 years. In fact, I can honestly state each day is a new adventure. Full contact parenting is the way my husband describes my style…I get in there up to my elbows and never give a thought to how messy it will be. Frankly, I am not sure how one can do it any other way! One of my favorite quotes is “parenting is not for the faint of heart”. I am not sure who said it first, but my father use to say something to that effect. He also said it about marriage.
This is my first day writing on my blog. I hope this post goes the way I planned. I have many ideas, and it is hard to stay focused.
The day is nearly over, and as our evening has worn on, one of our three dogs is snoring in the corner, and my husband has been at my side for an hour helping me set up this blog. This is NOT normal! Usually by now I am in the thick of things - dinner has come and gone, dishes are done so it is the time when I am managing my youngest daughter’s homework, checking on my step-son, seeing if my middle girl might feel like communicating, and often having a quick chat about “whatever” with my eldest…all the while I am keeping in mind that my youngest needs to be in bed by 8pm (HA!), and I need to keep an ear out for potential fires that might erupt on the third floor (domain of the two oldest girls).
Oh…and there’s Andrew, my husband. He’s in there too 
After supper he usually reads one of his 10,000 books and writes. When everyone is tucked in, we will watch a movie together or talk about an important issue of the day or, more likely, I will fall asleep while we are doing one of those things!
Tonight, I find I have a reprieve from the usual… the children are in various stages of studying, winding down and chat mode, from the first floor all the way up to the third. No one is needing me! Just across the hall my 13 year old step-son, is helping my 10 year old, find facts for her Science assignment. They are huddled over his iBook G4 laptop, and he is patiently walking her through with suggestions here and there, yet not actually giving her the answers…he is a born teacher, but hasn’t figured it out yet. My eldest, has spent much of the evening with them, doing her thing quietly, but now has ventured up to the third floor. My middle girl, has been ensconced up there since supper ended, finishing homework and keeping up with her buddies on facebook.
As I write tonight, I feel serene knowing things are good…the two youngest of my brood are working together, no arguing, no fussing, no yelling, etc. And what do you know…there is not one peep making its way down from the third floor An added plus is that my husband and I have been working on this project together and I have not fallen asleep!
When I entered into this new marriage, complete with three step-children, I was not sure how my three girls would fare. I am from a blended family; not something one saw much of in the 1960’s. My father was married before, with a son, and my mother with two daughters and a son. They married in 1960 and, I think, just went into the blended family thing full force. I doubt they ever really gave it much thought - would anyone feel left out, pushed aside, jealous, etc? Certainly no one entered into family counseling in those days. My father raised us all, with the exception of my eldest brother who lived in Ill. and visited on vacations. In mid 1962 my parents decided - yes, they actually had a discussion - to add one child to their menagerie, and…I was born.
One of my sisters has always told me, “when you were born we became a family.” I am not really sure if they all actually felt that way most of the time, but as the youngest of many, yet also very much the only child, it has made me feel loved and wanted always. While there was much conflict in our home over all kinds of stuff (after all it was the 60’s and 70’s, and my parents were from that famous GREATEST GENERATION, so their rules did not always make for happy campers), I had a really nice childhood and remember a true feeling of us being a family…never them vs. me, but us as a whole. I have no idea how my parents did it, and I know not everyone was happy all the time, but I had a family, and I am pretty sure every one of us felt part of that and felt loved.
Yet, even with my history, I was not prepared for what lay ahead…merging two households into one big happy family. Ha!
Step-parenting and parenting are not always congenial. I mean, they had their rules and regulations and we had ours. In fact, quite frankly, the two households worked perfectly fine all on their own, independent of one another.
My husband, Andrew, and his former wife had their routine down pat. They both worked - he from home and she was in grad school. They did not employ a nanny, managing their two youngest sort of by the seat of their pants…at least that is what it seemed to me. Their second daughter was in a local private day school and their son was in the public school system, where he remains today.
Andrew had the children every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. His former wife had them every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. Sunday was the “toggle”day - they took turns every other week. They celebrated birthdays, recitals, and even part of the holidays together. In many aspects they remained very much a family unit, although both parents had moved one and had other relationships. In fact, during the time after they divorced and were dating other people, before they met and remarried, they worked as a team and as a family, as best they could. It just sort of happened. They were very flexible and never really kept score if one or the other needed to trade nights. When I got involved with Andrew that arrangement made my head spin, but they had been doing it for three years and no one complained. In their world it worked.
The girls and I inhabited a totally different plane. My former husband and I had, what might be termed, a more old-fashion custody arrangement…the girls were with me basically all the time, with weekly overnights on Tuesdays and every other weekend with their dad. They missed their dad terribly and I know it was hard for him, but we felt in our hearts this was the best decision. I cannot say it was ideal all the way around, but now as I look back on it I have come to the conclusion it was the best thing. And my daughters agree. I have not asked their father…perhaps one day I will.
Time, experience, and much research have taught me that children need stability in their lives…more than anything they need to have a feeling of a real foundation, a sense of place. Not a lot of coming and going. It does not work in most cases when children are young to have them moving back and forth between parents, constantly trying to remember what they need, when they need it and where. A sense of confusion eventually sets in.
It is a really hard call. Fathers and mothers both want to be as active and involved as possible and no one wants to “give up” their children. When I married Andrew, I felt his son was clearly in need of a more predictable and stable environment. He was getting into trouble in school, not doing well academically, and to me seemed utterly at a loss as to how to manage himself.
When we married things changed for Andrew and his former wife, and their children. I can see that I was the catalyst, and while some aspects of those changes have born great fruit, I know not everyone is happy. I am aware there are hurt feelings and resentments, and days when the good old days look awfully sweet. Out of the need to keep my children on the course I felt was best for them, I have basically forced Andrew’s children - and their parents - to adhere to my plan. I felt it was best for all of us here to be on the same schedule, have the same rules and expectations. I wanted to have that sense of a family unit, and while my children were eager to include Andrew’s group, it is clear to me his children have not always wanted it the same way.
It is now nearly 10pm. I have been at this for hours! I have stopped writing (or blogging, but I am too old-fashioned and way too big a fan of the English language to use that word) from time to time to check on the progress of our brood. My youngest has completed all her assignments, with some help from my step-son, and she is prepared for her Social Studies test tomorrow. My stepson’s assignments are completed, and both are tucked away, sleeping soundly upstairs. My eldest girls are finishing up their work and it is safe to say we are all tired and ready for bed. Andrew retreated upstairs well over an hour ago to attend to his own blog, and prepare his mind for tomorrow’s work.
We all think our children are special, and I am no exception. I am told consistently (by other parents, teachers, family and friends, as well as strangers who have happened upon us in public) that I must have done something right. I am proud to say my girls are full of life, very present, thoughtful and considerate, intelligent and intellectual - NOT the same thing - and funny as the dickens. They also happen to be a handful, argumentative, frustrating, and some times I just want to run away. And now I have three more I am learning about and making many mistakes along the way…although I have heard I am succeeding on some fronts.
I am seen as rather strict by today’s standards, a bit old-fashioned, but I am also known to be fun and a good listener. I say “no” more often than most of my peers, but then again I also try to keep in mind what I was like as a child. I rely a lot on what my parents taught me, which many people my age turn their backs on rather than embrace. I expect a lot from my children, but not perfection. Mostly I expect them to be present each day, even when they hate their life, their friends, their school, their parents, and their siblings - any combination of the afore mentioned tends to rear its ugly head in at least one of the children several days a week! Go ahead…do the math! To paraphrase Bette…you better buckle up, it’s going to be a bumpy ride!